Many of us who are gay and spiritual have been wounded by religion. More than a few of us have been rejected by religious family members when we came out of the closet. A friend of mine had Roman Catholic parents who, after he came out of the closet, declared him dead and went to a priest and had a Mass for the Dead. My own parents, Pentecostals, prayed for my death for several years after I came out. They sincerely believed I would be better off dead than living such a "sinful lifestyle." Some of us have found ways to reclaim our religious traditions.  Others of us have found ways to reclaim what was good about our religious tradition, while incorporating elements and practices from other traditions into our personal spirituality. We have struggled with freeing ourselves from a toxic "either/or" religion, trying to move on to a healthier "both/and" spirituality. It's no longer unusual, in gay spirituality circles, to find brothers who describe themselves as Christian Buddhist, or Sufi Celtic Pagan, or Budeo-Pagan, or shamanic, or "ambispiritual," or "panspiritual."

As a Sufi Episcopalian, I can relate. I think it's healthy to explore prayers, practices, and perspectives beyond one's own tradition. I am not Pagan, but many of my friends and loved ones are, and my own spirituality has been deeply enriched by my connections with them and by my occasional participation in their rituals. I am not Buddhist, but I enjoy attending Buddhist meditation classes and services occasionally. And the writings of the Zen monk Thich Nhat Hahn have had a profound impact on me-especially his wonderful book, Living Buddha, Living Christ.

I have read articles criticizing this "cafeteria approach" to spirituality. Those who use the cafeteria metaphor are usually purists (or fundamentalists) who look down their noses at those of us whose experiences don't easily fit into just one religion. The reality is that many gay men have woven together their own individualized spiritualities from bits and pieces of different traditions-whatever works for them and connects them to the Divine.

I would like to propose a more holistic metaphor: Coffee House Spirituality. A good coffee house will have a house blend available and also a coffee of the day.  The house brew is like one's primary tradition or spiritual practice: the one which serves us as a framework for spirituality, the one by which we primarily identify ourselves. But we may also occasionally use prayers or practices from other traditions, as Spirit leads. These are like the coffees of the day, which may vary from day to day or from circumstance to circumstance in our lives. For example, my primary daily practice is to do elemental breathing exercises from the Sufi tradition, and also to practice Centering Prayer, which I learned from the Episcopal church. But whenever I find myself caught up in anger or anxiety, I try to remember Thich Nhat Hanh's or the Dalai Lama's teachings on mindfulness and calm abiding. So my "house blend" is Sufi/Episcopalian, but my "coffee of the day" is occasionally Buddhist.

A really good coffee house will also be rooted in the neighborhood, not part of a large, impersonal chain. And the coffees served will be organic. In the same way, a truly meaningful spirituality will be one that reflects where you are (and which accepts you as Spirit created you) -not trying to change you into some external ideal imposed by a hierarchical structure. Organic spirituality will allow you to grow, even if it means growing outside the boundaries of a single religion.

A really good coffee house will also serve Fair Trade Coffees-coffees grown in a network or co-op which ensures that the coffee farmers, most of whom are in Third World countries, are paid fair wages and are not exploited. When we drink coffee grown or distributed by multinational corporations which exploit their workers, we participate in that injustice. Likewise, a healthy spirituality will be grounded in compassion for others and recognition of our interdependence with each other in the web of life. (This is one of the primary insights I've gained from my Pagan friends.)

A good coffee house also provides a comfortable meeting place - a sense of community. If I allow my spirituality to expand beyond the boundaries of a single tradition, I discover the beauty in people of other faiths and spiritualities. My community of friends and loved ones is expanded, and my whole life is deeply enriched.

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